I remember many years ago, when I was a young cop, attending what was called “a violent domestic”. (Aren’t they all violent?! Isn’t a threat just as violent as a physical assault? A conversation for another time perhaps)
It was the middle of winter and raining stair rods.
Anyway….
A couple of panda cars attended, and the story is: Husband returns (drunk) to the marital home and kicks off in the street, causing fear in his wife and children, and also general mortification for her – some neighbours complain to the council when your partner turns up at midnight and wakes them up too. They didn’t complain when he was beating you up previously, because, well, that’s not so noisy!
But, in any case, this can affect your tenancy, and not having a room over your bairns’ heads is another stress you don’t need.
The police arrest the drunken man, who is fighting back and generally being ridiculous and violent. It’s not like it’s the first time. He knows he’ll be ok.
His wife then runs out into the night, wearing only her nightdress and dressing gown, and screams at the police, “Leave him alone. Leave him alone!” and generally begs the police to not take him away. Even though she was the one who called. Surprising behaviour? Perhaps.
We are all soaked to the skin, her included. We’ve been fighting in the road (it takes a lot of police officers to not injure someone who is determined to resist arrest, and drunk people are made of rubber!)
You may think, “What the hell is that about? Crazy Lady” and you’d be right to ask the question. The answer is not so straight forward….
That man does not know who phoned the police
That woman knows that man will, most likely, return to the marital home early the next morning.
She knows the relationship will continue.
She knows what to do to reduce the chances of her getting a good hiding.
She knows if she does not show this solidarity, she will pay for it later.
So, she takes his side in the fight, knowing full well that the police are never not going to take him away to the cells that night.
This is called self-preservation, and we should all remember this when we encounter a victim who tries to protect their abuser. It is a safety response. Let’s recognise that.
Empathy and understanding go a long way.
As a P.S. I’m going to add this:
As we were arresting this man, a taxi pulled up and out stepped the man who lived next door. He thought it his neighbourly duty to help his “friend” escape from the police. To be fair, he was also several pints past inebriated. He decided to jump into the melee! He didn’t win that night either. But I did find it interesting that he saw fit to protect the perpetrator and not the victim, who he told me, when he sobered up, had been subjected to many a “kicking” on the other side of the front-room wall.