*Trigger Warning* Talking about the past.
I’d like you to go back in time. Take yourself back to a moment when you told someone something really important. Something that took you significant courage to tell.
I want you to remember their first reaction. Were you watching them closely? Did you notice their body language? Their breathing?
Now I’d like you to remember how you felt when you witnessed their reaction. Was it relief? Was it discomfort? Did it prompt you to tell them more or did it prompt you to tell them less?
Whatever you felt, that was a valid emotion based on their reaction.
Most people think good and hard before they disclose abuse. They think over and over about what someone’s reaction will be when they “tell”. It’s not an easy step. Usually, once we have said it, the situation becomes uncontrollable. For example, authorities may be called. Schools will refer to Children’s Services and the police may get involved.
So please bare this in mind when someone tells you. They are watching your reaction. They are hoping they can trust you.
In my opinion, the first reaction needs to be, “believe them”. People don’t tend to make things up, and if, down the line, you find they did fabricate, there will be a reason behind that.
How victims present can also be subjected to judgemental attitudes, so please be careful. I saw this for myself when I was a frontline police officer. There are, culturally, two types of female Victim.
The “Deserving Victim” and the “Undeserving Victim”.
The Deserving presents as upset, crying, needing support, humble.
The undeserving presents as angry, loud, aggressive, independent.
While both are victims, one will get a very different service than the other.
Why? Because in a patriarchal society, women have to “need a man” to support them in order to be deemed worthy of a place in that society.
When you make a judgement on how someone presents as a Victim, you miss the point. We know from research that victims will disclose a part of their story, then judge the reaction. And based on that reaction, they will choose to further disclose or to shut down.
We know as fact that Victims are not believed by the “Systems” they disclose to. Convictions related to abuse are terrifyingly small. The attrition rate is enormous.
Please, do not be jaded by how a person presents. Just listen.
