Emotional Abuse What Does It Look LikePart 4

Emotional Abuse. What Does It Look Like…Part 4

The purpose of Be Kind. No Excuses CIC is to prevent abuse starting at the earliest stages of a relationships. Nip it in the bud, as it were. This is why I wrote this article, Emotional Abuse. What Does It Look Like…Part 4.

Gas lighting and what it can look like.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition

Here are some examples of how it might look.

You make plans to meet at 7pm. You sent them a message at 7.15pm because they haven’t arrived. You don’t get a reply. You check your diary and the correct time is 7pm. You look back over messages, but the ones about this evening were sent ages ago and some of them have been deleted for some reason.

They turn up at 7.30pm. You ask if they are ok. They act as if everything is fine and don’t acknowledge they are late. You tell them you thought you were meeting at 7pm and they laugh and say you’ve made a mistake. You know you haven’t because you use your diary for everything and you messaged your best friend yesterday to say your date was at 7pm.

You aren’t happy they won’t accept they have kept you waiting and ignored your message, even though you know they have seen it. They start to get defensive. You say, “Don’t get defensive. But I’d appreciate not being kept waiting without a reason”.

They respond by saying, “I’m not getting defensive. I think you have a problem”

You know you don’t have a problem. You didn’t want to make such a big deal out of it, but they are now saying you are in the wrong when you know you are not. You decide to shut up. This isn’t a battle worth having.

STOP!

It is a battle worth having! The battle is with yourself. Because this is exactly the point where you should walk away because you know! So you have to make a decision!

This one is a classic…

They say something that makes you feel uncomfortable. They say, “What’s wrong with you? I was joking! Don’t you have a sense of humour?” You reply, “I didn’t think it was funny. You’ve made me feel uncomfortable”. They reply, “Oh, you’re too sensitive”

There are a number of things here.

  1. They have tried to undermine your confidence
  2. When you call them out, they turn it back on you and make out you are the one with the problem.
  3. Then, they invalidate your feelings and try to deny you your right to have them!

Big red flag!

Another one is the full on denial!

There is a play called Gaslight by Patrick Hamilton which was written in 1938. It is set in the 1800s. There are several films made from it. It tells the story of how a husband makes his wife think she is going insane. What is truly frightening is, it’s now 2024, and this is still happening!

Gaslighters will distort the truth. They will do things and say things that make you doubt yourself. And this will begin with little things and then grow. They will change the conversation to avoid discussing what you want to discuss.

This is from the Instagram account Let’s Talk. Mental Health, and it describes it really well.

Gradual distortion of the truth

Avoiding responsibility. Shifting blame

Sowing seeds of doubt in your mind

Lying and manipulating facts

Invalidating your feelings and experiences

Getting you to question your sanity

Hiding their true intentions

Twisting reality to suit their narrative

Insisting you’re overly sensitive

Neglecting your emotions and wellbeing

Gaslighting is emotional abuse

Further Help and Advice

Why not read Be Kind. No Excuses, you can access the book directly from the website or you can purchase it from Amazon.

If you are concerned and would like some help or advice, you can look at one of our programs, The ABC Program is available as a face-to-face program or via Zoom.

Alternatively, you can watch the Find Your Voice Workshops here on the website.

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