The purpose of Be Kind. No Excuses CIC is to prevent abuse starting at the earliest stages of a relationships. Nip it in the bud, as it were. This is why I wrote this article, Emotional Abuse. What Does It Look Like…Part 3.
What happens when the relationship ends…
Actually, some of this might happen before it ends!
We continue with our series of blogs to show you real examples of why it’s a good idea to recognise the red flags early on, so you can get out of the relationship quickly.
They ghost you. So, you’ve been seeing them (dating) for a while and you’ve realised their intentions are not good. With an abuser, your relationship is founded on a fraud. A false version of them they show you until they eventually show you their true personality. But you’ve sussed them out and they don’t like that, so they will literally behave like you do not exist. Extreme!
They blame you for anything and everything. An abuser will not take responsibility for anything. They say things like, “It’s not my fault” and “I’m not to blame”. This is because they refuse to be held accountable for anything they do. They pretty much do this across all of their relationships. Whatever drama, pain, crap, they create, it’s always someone else they point to and say, “It’s not me, it’s you”
They smear your reputation by immediately telling lies about you. When they know you have sussed them out, they go on the attack. They don’t want you to get in first and tell everyone about what they have been doing (not that you would really, but remember, that’s what they would do, and this is their head space.
They judge you by their standards) They will tell people you are the one who cheated, lied, victimised etc. Basically, everything they did, they’ll say it was you. They’ll try to create “sides”. This is when you’ll have the painful, but valuable, lesson of knowing who your true friends are.
They replace you quickly. Actually, often, they replace you before that. Most abusers are serial offenders, and serial cheaters! They have a “supply” waiting so they can move on and continue doing exactly what they want. And the reason people get involved with abusers in this way is because they don’t know what they don’t know. And we need to tell them!
They stalk you because they are creepy and dangerous! I cannot emphasise how dangerous stalking is. It can be lethal. Stalking is a major scary concern. According to the Femicide Census, a woman is killed by a man every 3 days in the UK, the majority by current or ex-partner. A study from the University of Gloucester found that stalking behaviour was present in 94% of cases where women were murdered by men.
Stalking isn’t only watching you from behind a bush! It is FOUR – Fixated. Obsessive. Unwanted. Repeated.
Being in places where you are. Following you. Sending messages. Spreading rumours. Befriending your friends. Going to the places you hang out. Going through your bin. Watch your online activity. Setting up fake social media accounts so they can follow you. Making out they are in a relationship with you. Threats.
Very scary!
So you see why we want you to know the red flags, because we don’t want anyone to go through all this!
Further Help and Advice
Why not read Be Kind. No Excuses, you can access the book directly from the website or you can purchase it from Amazon.
If you are concerned and would like some help or advice, you can look at one of our programs, The ABC Program is available as a face-to-face program or via Zoom.
Alternatively, you can watch the Find Your Voice Workshops here on the website.