Emotional Abuse What Does It Look LikePart 2

Emotional Abuse. What Does It Look Like…Part 2

The purpose of Be Kind. No Excuses CIC is to prevent abuse starting at the earliest stages of a relationships. Nip it in the bud, as it were. This is why I wrote this article, Emotional Abuse. What Does It Look Like…Part 2.

Things you need to know about abusive relationships.

  1. It’s not over when it’s over
  2. It’s dangerous to leave an abuser

I’m writing this to give you the heads up on why we work on PREVENTION at BKNE. The simple reasons are, abuse is horrible, and if you escape from a relationship, chances are, they’ll still not leave you alone and you are more likely to be murdered after you’ve gotten away.

So, when someone says, “Why doesn’t she (usually she) just leave?”, the simple answer is, “Because it’s safer to stay” as well as, “Oh, because not that many people have a ready made second home, near the kids’ schools and a bank account with loads of money in it, just sitting there waiting” etc!

Really, we want you to see the early stages of abuse and end the relationship quickly, but in order for you to appreciate why I bang on about the “little things at the beginning that are under the radar”, and the “thin end of the wedge” and fairly insignificant, you need to understand the fat end of the wedge!

So here’s some of what probably will happen if you don’t pick up on the red flags at the beginning:

Unless there is a genuine intervention, the abuse always gets worse. Always. I’ve never come across a single relationship where it got better. By intervention, I’m thinking of therapy. But here’s the killer – a perpetrator will go to therapy and fake engagement in the process. They will literally pretend to get help. And many therapists don’t have the knowledge and understanding of domestic abuse. And we know how manipulative a perpetrator is. It’s common an abuser will manipulate the therapist too, to the extent that the therapist will believe it is you who has the problem.

Abuse is about them having power and control over you. When they gain that power, they do not want to give it up. That is why it is so dangerous to leave an established relationship. Why we want you to know what abuse looks like at the start, so the relationship doesn’t become established.

This is why we say Speed is a risk factor at the start of a relationship. They want it to get serious quickly. They want to move things fast. They want to get you entrenched and committed fast! So they have the power, and you can’t “escape” without consequences.

If we head this off at the pass, recognise the signs and end the relationship, it will save us from all the pain! That is why we do what we do at BKNE.

Then, when you end it, they tell lies about you. Be prepared for this. An abuser will not take responsibility for their wrongdoing. Oh no! Whatever happened, it was all your fault. So be prepared for them to tell the world how horrible you are. How manipulative you are. How crazy you are. Basically, what they say about you, you should listen, because they are basically telling you about themselves.

And while we are here, what they say about their previous relationships should inform you about who they really are. Their ex will be a nutter. They don’t see their kids because their ex is abusive. And while this may be true in a minority of cases, it’s usually not, and it’s mostly them telling you exactly who they are. Be aware. Be careful. Because before you know it, they’ll be spamming all over social media that you are their crazy ex!

Further Help and Advice

Why not read Be Kind. No Excuses, you can access the book directly from the website or you can purchase it from Amazon.

If you are concerned and would like some help or advice, you can look at one of our programs, The ABC Program is available as a face-to-face program or via Zoom.

Alternatively, you can watch the Find Your Voice Workshops here on the website.

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