The purpose of Be Kind. No Excuses CIC is to prevent abuse starting at the earliest stages of a relationships. Nip it in the bud, as it were. This is why I wrote this article, Emotional Abuse. What Does It Look Like…Part 1.
Many abuses start very early in the relationship, but we simply don’t know what we are seeing and feeling. There are several reasons why we don’t know. Mostly, because we aren’t told about this type of behaviour. And the reason for that is, the people who teach us, our parents, school etc, they don’t know either. And so on and so on.
BKNE wants to break this cycle of living in the dark. We want to have open discussions about the “under the radar” behaviours that are indicators of abuse to come.
If you’ve read the book, “Be Kind. No Excuses” you’ll know that in the stories it contains, the red flag behaviours are present, almost immediately, and then there is a slow escalation, that is hardly perceptible to the victim, or, if it did bring a wrinkle to her brow and her gut feeling kicked in, she pushed those feelings inwards.
And that is the second reason why abuse occurs. We want to be loved, or, especially for teenagers, we want to be lovable. Those small actions at the beginning that give us a bad feeling, we overlook because of HOPE. We WANT a relationship, so we overlook, or push to one side, those behaviours that niggle and keep us awake at night.
What does that look like? I’d like to give practical examples of how we recognise things.
Before we go further, domestic abuse is not just physical or violence. It can also include emotional, psychological, financial and sexual abuse.
And while I’m writing about it, I believe all of those things ARE physical abuse, because they cause damage to our nervous systems, and that’s physical.
Emotional abuse can come disguised as many things. These are things a perpetrator doesn’t do too. For example, ignoring you, giving you the silent treatment by not answering you, not replying to texts. You’ll be ignored. You’ll feel unheard. Because, to an abuser, what you say is irrelevant. They don’t care, unless it is to their advantage.
They will talk over you. They will even ask you a question and then just continue to talk over you as you attempt to answer, and then they will accuse you of not answering their question. With an abuser, you are in a Lose/Lose situation.
And do not think for one minute that you can do anything to change them, make them love you more, be a better person, be a better partner, be a better anything, because that isn’t how it works. Do not think, “there is something wrong with me”, because they will literally tell you there is something wrong with you. They will say, “There is something wrong with you”, “You are wrong in the head” and other things to make you think it is you, but it is not.
Emotional abuse is insidiously grooming people so they eventually begin to accept what is unacceptable. By creating an atmosphere where the victim starts to believe they are making a big thing about “nothing really”, the abuser gets into our heads and starts to manipulate our thinking about ourselves.
Name calling is another form of emotional abuse. And it’s not immediately obvious! They may make a joke at your expense. Say things about your lack of understanding about something. They’ll accuse you of having no sense of humour when you don’t laugh at a derogatory joke.
This is chipping away at your self worth in tiny pieces to start with. Each tiny piece of your heart crumpled. And then, they’ll throw you a crumb of hope, just to get you back on side. Don’t accept the crumbs, you’re worthy of a banquet. It is those moments when you are questioning yourself, look in the mirror and marvel at how amazing it is that you even exist! Don’t let someone of low value bring you to their level.
Further Help and Advice
Why not read Be Kind. No Excuses, you can access the book directly from the website or you can purchase it from Amazon.
If you are concerned and would like some help or advice, you can look at one of our programs, The ABC Program is available as a face-to-face program or via Zoom.
Alternatively, you can watch the Find Your Voice Workshops here on the website.